A date no one knows

April 6, 2013.  Just another day.  But not for me.  You see, this was the due date for the baby that we lost.  Which means today we should have been celebrating a little someone's first birthday.  I think it explains why I felt so off yesterday.  The hurt of losing our baby is always near the surface.  Time does heal all wounds but the wounds are still there.  I still think about our baby.  I grieve for the child we will not meet til we get to Heaven.  But in those same moments I thank God for our Linebacker.  Without our loss we would not have him here with us today.  For most people today is just another day.  Another Saturday.  For this mama's heart, today is a day to remember and love the baby we never met and to praise God for the baby we get to hold in our arms today.

Brothers

Our Professor was the baby of the family for 2 1/2 years.  He had the bulk of his sisters attention and our attention.  He was played with a lot and yes....spoiled.  I was really worried how he would react to baby 4.  Nothing prepared us for his reaction.   Pure love.

He has not shown even one ounce of jealousy.  He is protective, caring and will ask to have the baby lay on his mat so they can play and talk.  It is the cutest thing.  I know there will be a day when they are old enough to fight and bicker....just like the girls do.  But for now, I am soaking up their brotherly love.

A Beautiful Sight

This Face...

Have I mentioned lately how much I love this little chubby cheeked face.  Sigh.  He is getting bigger already and does not seem like a newborn anymore.  Tomorrow he will actually be 5 weeks old.  But we love our little guy.  Love these baby snuggles!

Mastitis Round 2

Yesterday I spent the better part of the morning in denial.  I had a headache and felt a bit "off".  When you get about 3-4 hours of sleep though sometimes you can feel that way.  But around dinner time I started feeling grumpy and sore and tired and my lower back began to hurt.  I knew exactly what it was.  Mastitis.  Sigh.  I get it 3 times with every pregnancy and I don't know why.  I do everything I can to prevent it.  Thankfully my doctor will call in the meds without seeing me so I have 2 doses in me already.  Now to just wait for them to kick in and start helping.

Bless His Heart

Yesterday was our little man's appointment with the pediatric cardiologist.  If you recall, during our pregnancy they had discovered a hole in his heart.  They expected that is a "normal" hole and that no surgery would be needed.  However, I was still very nervous for the appointment.  We got there and of course, he decided he was starving.  One awesome thing about a Children's Hospital...the doctor says, "Oh poor guy.   Go ahead and feed him.  Take all the time you need and just open the door when you are done."  30 minutes later he was done eating and no one was a bit bothered.  They took him right back for the echo on his heart.  He was so unhappy.  I tried a paci, but he has never liked them and did not like it yesterday.  He screamed and cried.  But the tech got what she needed.  Then they wanted to do an EKG.  It was so scary to see all those wires hooked up to his tiny little body.  That test was very quick.  The doctor only kept us waiting about 5 minutes and then came to tell me the results.  The results were what we had expected and prayed for.  The hole does not need surgery.  It is evidently a medium sized hole.  A larger one would need surgery and a smaller one would have possibly escaped notice.  The doctor said no action is needed! Thank you Lord!  We have a follow up appointment in April.  The doctor did say that his hole has a 50/50 chance of healing itself, but that being medium sized it may always be there.  But it will not restrict him or cause any troubles.  We are very relieved and it reinforces that we chose the right name for him (if you know us in person then you know the meaning).
Today our little guy is one month old and I am filled with gratitude to have him here and healthy.

What No One Likes To Discuss....

Poop.  Yep.  I am going to blog about poop.  Specifically baby poop.  Exclusively breastfed baby poop and the extremely wide range of what is considered normal.
If you are squeamish…just stop here.
Our first child was fairly textbook.  She pooped several times a day.  Our second and third were much the same way, with poops 2-5 times every day.
Then….we had our 4th.  First off, he was the first we had who had his first merconium poop while inside me.  In fact, the nurses informed me it was a gargantuan amount.  They pumped 8 cc’s from his tiny belly.  Evidently, it was massive and nurses kept talking about it.  In fact, nurses who had not even been there came into the room to talk about it.  He never pooped again while we are in the hospital.  As we were being discharged, I asked how many days could he go without pooping.  The doctor told me to call in on Monday (this was Friday) if he had not pooped.  Well, Sunday he finally pooped and it was the perfectly typical mustardy, seedy breastmilk poop.  And then….we waited.  10 days later I had him in for check up and asked about his lack of poop.  I was honestly not concerned because he was passing gas, his belly was still soft and he never seemed to be in any pain.  The doctor said that breastmilk is like the perfect food and is so “clean burning” that exclusively breastfed babies can go 2 weeks without pooping because they just use it all.
The day after the appointment, our son did poop.  About 10 days later he pooped again.  Today was day 10 and he pooped again.  And these are different than the other kids poop was.  His is more of a very deep yellow or orange color…and the smell.  It smells SO disgusting.  I cannot even describe it, but trust me, it is gross.  And the poops are massive.  Think blowout diapers times 5.
All this served as a great reminder that parents are ALWAYS learning and all kids are different.
Do you have any poopy stories?? Please share in the comments below!
Oh and as a side note….for breastfed babies did you know the poop is considered normal in a rainbow of colors including green, yellow and orange.

Dear Nana

Dear Nana,

Remember the other day....

When my parents asked to you baby-sit for me and those big kids who live here too?

Do you remember how I had a major blow out poopy all over you, and all over me, and all over my changing table?

Well I just wanted to say I am sorry.  I am so sorry that I allowed Mommy to change my outfit and I wasn't even dirty! Sigh.

See Nana?  I really do love you and am sporting a onesie to prove it.

Come see me soon! 

Look at this Face!

Is he cute or what????

Someone is 2 Weeks Old

This little guy is so sweet, so cuddly and so well loved by all of us.  At 2 weeks old he is up to 9 pounds 9 ounces.  Thanks to Gripe Water his colic seems to be under control and I am getting bits of sleep now!  He is still not on any semblance of a schedule but that is ok.  All of us love holding him, talking to him and snuggling him.  He is such a content baby.  He rarely fusses and typically just cries when he wants to eat.  When he is awake he is happy to lay there and look around.  Now that his eyes are open more often he enjoys focusing on our faces or staring at a toy.  He's only been here 2 weeks and we cannot imagine what we did before he came into our lives.  We love our little guy!

Our Baby is Here!

This pregnancy started off rocky and ended with a bang!  This was the roughest labor but easiest delivery of our 4 kids.  My husband and I had waffled back and forth on our decision to induce 2 days prior to our due date.  We were not inducing for medical reasons so much as to ensure the doctor we trusted would be the one to deliver our son.  After how this delivery went though, we are beyond thankful that we listened to our doctor and allowed the early induction. 
Delivery day:
We arrived at the hospital a few minutes late.  We had taken our time and just enjoyed the drive.  We laughed, talked, worried and tried to envision how the day would unfold.  After check in it felt so chaotic and nothing like the calm feeling we had during the Professor's labor.  They were sort of rushing to get us checked in and settled before the shift change.  There were 2-4 nurses bustling around, attaching monitors and doing the iv and asking all those questions.  Eventually we were settled and they came in around 7:45 to start the Pitocin.  Almost immediately I began feeling small contractions.  They were quite regular too.  However, due to my anterior placenta they could not keep the baby on the monitor.  Literally every 15 minutes or so the alarms would start going off and they'd spend another 5 minutes trying to get him on the monitor.  At one point I had to shimmy myself into this very tight, very uncomfy band to try and keep the monitors extra tight.  It worked.....a little.  The alarms were going off only once every 30 minutes or so now. 
The contractions continued and were getting more noticeable but when they checked me around 11:30 I was still only at a 3 and about 70% effaced.  My husband and I started fretting and worrying that this little man just was not ready to arrive.  Around 12:30 my doctor came in and broke my water.  At that point she said "We have merconium."  My heart sunk.  I had never envisioned hearing that.  Then she went on to say there was a lot of it.  They were worried about what he may have been exposed to.  They placed the internal monitor and my contractions picked up at a rapid pace.  By 1 I was having trouble talking, or even thinking, through them.  But I was hesitant to get the epidural since my progress had been so slow.  However, I decided to go for it since typically my labors have gone quickly after my water has been broken.  I got the epidural and it was a very easy one.  Right afterwards a nurse comes rushing in and tells us that the doctor called and was not happy with the baby's heartrate on the monitor.  I was put on oxygen and flipped to my left side.  By this point I was in tears.  I was scared and really worried about what would happen.  Things seemed to settle down and we sent my sister-in-law after some lunch for my husband.  We figured the baby would arrive by 4:30 or so and I wanted to make sure he did not pass out from lack of food.  A few minutes til 3 the nurse came in and noticed I had the shakes.  She cleared the room and did a cervical check  Immediately she called the doctor.  The nurse then calls in the teams and everything was moving so quickly.  We were complete and ready to meet our little guy.  At 3 the doctor zoomed in.  We were introduced to the respiratory specialist and pediatrician who were standing by in case he had trouble breathing and we were briefed on the fact that he would be whisked away as soon as he was out.  Around 3:05 I was told to push.  At 3:07 he flew out!  It was so fast we could barely process it.  He was whisked away and they pumped 8 cc's of merconium from his belly.  Thankfully he did not have any in his lungs.  After he was pumped and breathing good (about 10 minutes) he was weighed and measured.  He was exactly 9 pounds and exactly 21 inches.   Then we finally got to hold him.  He was so calm and sweet and we just fell in love with him.  My husband and I enjoyed our skin to skin time and relished the calm after what had felt like a rocky labor.  We brought in the siblings and introduced them.  They all loved him but the Hippie was completely smitten by him.  She seems to think he is her baby.  The rest of the family got to meet him and hold him and love on him too. 
Shortly after we thought we were calming down the pediatrician came in and informed us that in addition to the hole in his heart they were hearing a loud murmur and that we might have to get a transfer to the Children's Hospital.  That was so terrifying.  To make a long story short, there was no problem with his heart and we just follow up with his cardiologist in January.  We did have to stay two nights due to his heart, merconium and having a higher birth weight.  On Friday at lunch time my husband and the kids came and picked us up....in the middle of a huge snow storm. 
Our little man certainly came into our lives with a bang!  We are thrilled to have him here and are all falling in love with him more each day.

Last Time

My last time to write a blog post before this baby makes his debut!  I cannot believe we are to this point.  In some ways it seems like we have waited forever and in other ways I am shocked that he will join us tomorrow.  Either way, I am a bundle of emotions.  I have found myself hugging the kids a little tighter, snuggling the Professor (before his happy little world is rocked) and cleaning. Ha!  I am excited and nervous and happy and scared.  Please keep us in your prayers and look for an update soonish on our sweet baby!

Check

The bassinet is up and ready with a freshly washed sheet.
Hospital bag is packed and waiting (except for bathroom items).
Kids bags are packed and waiting.
The diaper bag is loaded and ready.
My husband installed the carseat yesterday.
Supplies have been purchased and are waiting to be used.
The house is (mostly) in maintenance mode.
Now....we wait.
I am scheduled for an induction this coming Wednesday, but am still hopeful that labor could start on it's own.  No matter, we are as ready as we are ever going to be for this baby to join our family. 
I am very uncomfortable now and am so thankful that I squeezed so much in with my husband and the kids over this past month.  This afternoon I am making gingerbread houses with the kids.  Last night we drove through a park with over 3 million lights, went to a live nativity, took a horse/wagon ride and saw a house with lights set to music.  So many memories have been made and treasured.  Now we look forward to making new memories as a family of 6.

Better News!

I got a call from my doctor's office later in the day.  My doctor knew how much it meant to me to have her deliver.  She called over herself and got me scheduled for an induction next Wednesday! As much as I would love to go on my own, I know that this is best.  I know my doctor's opinion on c-sections and she knows how much I never want one.  Plus, like I said, she is a Christian.  So it looks like we will have 2 children born in the same state, same hospital and same doctor!  Pretty exciting! 
Yesterday I had a bunch of Braxton Hicks contractions.  Whenever I was sitting they would come regularly but when I'd get up and move, the would completely stop.  Last night I was woken up by real contractions but they fizzled out as well.  Even if I do end up being induced, I am hopeful that these are at least helping me make some progress!
A week from now we could be holding our son!

21

Wow.  It seems like just yesterday that we posted this blog post announcing that baby #4 was on their way.  We did not know boy or girl and we were filled with equal parts excitement and fear.  The journey of losing one baby and then getting blessed with another baby led us to choose this baby's name.  We cannot wait to share it with our family on the day he is born.  My husband and I sit up at night relishing these quiet times after the kids are in bed and we talk about this new baby.  How happy we are with the name, wondering how big he will be, who will he look like, will he sleep?  It is amazing to look back and see all we have come through with this pregnancy and this sweet boy and to know that in about 21 days we will be holding him. 
We are blessed.

5 Weeks

We are 35 weeks pregnant today. 35. Weeks. That means 5 weeks or less til this baby makes his appearance!  This has been such a special pregnancy for me.  After losing our last baby at 15 weeks and 3 days, this pregnancy took on new meaning.  I have not taken it for granted.   I have tried to not complain.  I have felt so thankful for aches and pains, kicks from the baby and all the extra ultrasounds we had.  I have been so thankful for a Christian OB doctor who, literally, held my hand at times during this pregnancy.  This time around came with a lot of fear.  Not just for me, but for my husband and for the girls.  We have all prayed for this baby every single day since we got that first positive.  Rather than surprising the girls, we told them the same day we got the positive to allow them to be praying for this new life.  Now with Christmas nearing, I find myself thinking about and relating to Mary from the Bible.  The Christmas story feels extra special when you are waddling into the church 35 weeks pregnant with a very active baby boy kicking your rib cage.  This pregnancy has been filled with so many doctors appointments.  With the other pregnancies, I never had anything out of the ordinary.  This pregnancy was rocky from the start.  I had the low progesterone and it kept dropping until I ended up on painful injections here at home.  Then there was the scare with the hole in heart.  And now after all that we sit here at 35 weeks with a healthy baby boy kicking away inside me.  I am just overwhelmed with gratitude. 

5 more weeks!

Big and Healthy

Tuesday was such a fun day!  I had my last ultrasound appointment.  A sweet lady from church offered to watch Benjamin for me.  The girls wanted to come with me to the appointment and see the baby.  I also invited our youth minister's wife to come with us.  We made a girls' morning out of it.  The appointment went so smoothly!  Our baby boy still has the hole in his heart but it has not grown and no other conditions are present so that is a big relief.  The baby looked so big and cute and cuddly!  On Tuesday we were just over 33 weeks and he was estimated to already weigh in at 6.6 pounds! Woah!  But I am not worried about a big baby since our other babies were on the larger size as well.  Plus those estimates can be off by a pound or more.  The best news is that he is head down and in the proper birthing position.  Woo-hoo!!!! 
Today I had my OB check up.  His heart rate was actually just over 140 today and everything looked good.  I am measuring ahead but again, our other babies have been big so it does not concern anyone. Tomorrow we will be 34 weeks which means at the most we have 6 week and 1 day til we meet our son.  Our whole family is SO excited! Well, not really the Professor.  He has no clue what is coming.  This baby will rock his little world. Ha!  The Professor is a bit of a mama's boy.  He loves me to hold him every morning and snuggle while we watch cartoons.  I know this baby will be a shock to him but he will adjust and it will be such fun to watch our 2 girls and 2 boys playing together.

A Great Day!

I had my (almost) 32 week check up today.  Lo and Behold, my mom had the day off and agreed to watch the kiddos.  We have never really lived near family before and it is SUCH a blessing!  I mean, yes, I could have handled the kids at the appointment but it is wonderful to just sit and think about baby 4.  The appointment went fine.  The doctor asked my concerns and I had two. 
One:  My heartburn has been attacking with vengeance.  I had been controlling it with camomile tea and Tums but that is no longer working.  So we discussed options.
Two:  I am terrified of a c-section.  Not just because of the procedure but because of the healing.  My husband will likely only get 1-2 days off for the baby.  My parents both work.  We use cloth diapers and our washer and dryer are in the basement.  If I had to heal from a surgery I have NO IDEA how we'd make it.  Truly.  I do not know.  So I asked the doctor about options if the baby does not flip.  She explained that they will flip the baby if he does not flip on his own. 
I asked her if she could check and see where she thinks he is. She felt and said, "I am positive that is a head and that he is head down"!  I go on Nov. 6th for an ultrasound so I can have it confirmed then.  I had wondered if he had flipped but it is hard to tell!  SO I am praying she is right and that he is happily head down.
After my appointment I met my parents and the kids for lunch.  The kids were cute and funny and the food was delicious.
I came home and found out my closest friend had had her 6th baby! 
Such a great day!

9 Weeks or Less

9 weeks or less til baby boy makes his appearance!  We are all very excited!  His Christmas stocking is on its way to our house, the bassinet is inside, bassinet sheets are washed and ready for use, newborn cloth diapers and prepped and waiting, clothes are hanging in the closet and I have my top 3 choices for his bring home outfit hanging up just waiting to go into the hospital bag.  I still have so much to do before he comes though.

Not is any particular order...
1.  The dresser for him is in our room but I need to fill it.
2. Pack my hospital bag.
3. Pack bags for other 3 kids so they are ready whenever we need to leave.
4. Get the playpen over to my parents house so they can have it ready for the Professor.
5. We want to take the kids away for a one night getaway since we have a giftcard for a hotel.
6. I want to keep doing fun and special things with the other 3 kids because I know once this baby comes....my energy will be lower.  And since my husband works 6 days a week it will be very hard to try and go out and about alone.

I am making headway on my goal to be done Christmas shopping by November 1st.  I have most of the stocking stuffers bought and most of the advent calendar gifts.  I am mostly done with shopping for the kids but still need to get their big gifts. 

I go next week for my next doctor's appointment.  I hope they can tell if he is still breech or if he has flipped.  Please be praying that he will be in the birthing position and stay there!

Exactly One Year Ago

I did not expect to wake up crying today, but I did.  I woke up at 4:30 this morning and immediately began crying.  If it weren't for a house full of kiddos I'd probably spend the day curled up on the couch with a book and some hot chocolate.  Exactly one year ago today I drove to the OB office only to learn we had lost our baby.  I debated whether or not to even share this fact but I know there are others out there mourning for their children today too.  A year later and it has definitely gotten easier but there is truly not a day that goes by that we do not think about that baby.  I still feel an incredible ache whenever I see a baby who is the same age as our baby should be.  I still cry for our baby.
But a year later I can say.....
I look forward to seeing our baby in Heaven and holding him or her.
I am thrilled to be pregnant and so humbled by the fact that we will be the parents to 4 children.
I appreciate those who stepped alongside us and helped us through.
I look forward to hanging our baby's ornament on the tree this year....and every year from here on out.
I am thankful for the time we did get with our baby.
I have a whole new appreciate for conception, pregnancy, what it means to be a parent and what a blessing and an honor it is to carry a child.