All Clear

I had my post surgery two week check up today.  I was extremely nervous.  I am not sure why exactly?  I guess fear of the unknown and not knowing what they would do and if they would have any more bad news.  However, it went exceedingly well.  Everything is good and normal and I have the all clear!  That felt great to hear.  To top it off, we were blessed with an amazing doctor and nurse.  They actually know who we are.  And the doctor spent 30 minutes just talking and sharing with me.  She is also a Christian and she said how much she has been praying for us.  It drives home the importance of having a doctor you trust and that treats you well.  During this entire process we were treated with the utmost respect.  Our baby was ALWAYS referred to as a baby, my husband was fully acknowledged and included every step of the way and great care was taken to ensure that we had privacy.  It's not like it made it good, but it certainly helped and made us feel confident in the advice and care we were being given.  After getting good news from the doctor, I can now focus my prayers on a good news about a job for my husband!

Our Baby's Testimony

I don't always go into a lot of details about our life.  I usually share what the kids are doing, photos etc.  But this is for our baby and I need to get this down so we can always remember.
In June of 2009, our oldest daughter was attacked by a dog.  She was in surgery for several hours and will soon be facing more reconstructive surgery.  That day seems to mark the beginning of many struggles for our little family.  About 2 months after the attack, we learned we were pregnant!  We were so thrilled and excited!  One week after a positive pregnancy test, the Army told my husband he would be losing his job.  See, he was in the Marines when he was younger.  Then he became a newspaper reporter, and a darn good one too!  But one day he interviewed a man and his wife (who are now dear friends of ours).  They had a son in the military, and the dad was now wanting to enlist because he had been so inspired by his son.  This inspired my husband.  At the time we just had the two girls.  He wanted to serve and truly WANTED to be deployed.  He wanted another father to stay home with his family for a year.  We all fell behind him in 100% support.  He had to receive a waiver for his age...he was technically too "old" for the Army.  They granted the waiver and he was off to Officer Candidate School!  He passed with flying colors, but he was in the very last class that did NOT get to chose which branch they wanted.  He was given Armor.  He was pleased, he loved those tanks.  However, in the grueling school he attended, he just could not make it.  He could do the 15 mile ruck marches carrying a 60 pound backpack and a 30 pound gun, but during a 10 day exercise he received a "no-go".  We were upset but we were told that he could get rebranched.  He was disappointed because he loved Armor, but was excited to get another branch and deploy.  To this day we do not know exactly what happened, but he was not allowed to rebranch.  So one week after learning we were pregnant....we lost our job.  We ended up moving in with my family.  He was then awarded a job with a major contracting company and he was going to serve in Iraq for one year under LOGCAP IV.  So, we moved into a rental and started doing all that was on our to-do list for him to leave.  Then we waited...and waited....and waited.  Politics intervened and our contractor lost the bid...so we lost our job....again.  Since then we have applied at over 500 places.  He has applied for everything from cleaning chicken guts on a 3rd shift job to management positions.  About 12 months into our unemployment journey he was given a great job...but it is temporary.  In fact, it ends in November.  In December all our benefits come to an end and we have no idea what we will do. We are scared and trying so hard to get work.  So, we were not trying to get pregnant.  But we did.  God blessed us with Baby 4.  Baby 4 was our surprise baby.  The day I found out, it was the first day my husband was working at his temp. job.  At first I was a little scared because we had not planned for baby #4.  But then excitement took over.  I mean, God knew what He was doing and He planned this Baby.  I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and I knew, I KNEW, this baby was special.  That God had big plan for our baby.  My husband felt the same way and we were anxious to welcome this baby into our home.  At 7 weeks, I went in for a date confirming ultrasound.  The doctor turned on the sound and at 7 weeks pregnant, I saw and heard our baby's heartbeat.  I cannot explain what that moment felt like, but I can tell you...I felt God's presence in the room with us.  I was watching a miracle.  At 7 weeks, some ladies have not even found out they were pregnant and yet there was a beating heart.  Amazing. When we got the news at 15 weeks and 3 days that our baby was gone.  I felt like my world was crashing around me.  How could God give us this baby who was supposed to do great things and then take the baby away?  During this journey of healing I learned that our baby can and DOES have a testimony.  Our baby will make a difference.  Our baby will save at least one life.  We have set up a memorial fund in honor of Baby #4.  The money will be used to give ultrasounds to ladies who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant.  The ultrasound will show them that they are carrying a life inside of them.  While I do not  want to publicly share the information, if you feel led to donate, please email me at cliffsgirl2001@yahoo.com
We are so excited to see how God will use our precious baby to make a difference in the world.  Our baby did have a plan and I praise God for the time we had baby #4 in our lives.

Time is Passing

It is hard to believe that we are rapidly approaching the 2 week mark of losing our baby.  Sometimes it feels so long ago, other times it feels like yesterday and many times I still am in disbelief.  I am sure this is all normal.  Right now my husband is away and the pain feels worse when he is gone.  Then when he gets back he is leaving us for two weeks.  I really do not look forward to this at all. 
He still does not have a permanent job lined up so keep us in your prayers for that too.  His current job ends in November. 
I go to the doctor Monday for my post D & C consult.  I am praying for good news.  I am not sure why it would not go well, but I am very apprehensive for the appointment.  I have many questions for our doctor. 
We do have a small bit of good news....our Hippie is having a 2nd grade musical at school and she has a speaking part!!! We are all excited about that.
I hope you all have a good weekend!

Touched

I continue to be touched by people coming forward to share their stories with me.  Others come forward to tell me they are praying.  Just today I had an email from a lady my sister-in-law knows.  This particular woman has two children in Heaven.  Just now when I logged onto my blog, there was a comment left by a woman who recently lost a 4 month old daughter followed by losing another baby in a miscarriage.  While I hurt at hearing their stories, it does help heal a part of me too.  To know that others have made it through the loss of a child.  If they can do it, we can too.  To know that strangers are praying for us...it is amazing.  All the people willing to share their losses and experience, it is touching in a way that only those who have children in Heaven can understand.
Meanwhile, my parents bought me a book that has been a huge help on my road to healing and I wanted to share it here.  It is called "I'll Hold You in Heaven".

If you have ever lost a child, or had an abortion, this book is an amazing resource.  If you ever know someone who loses a child or has an abortion and are not sure what you can  do, I urge you to consider buying this book for them.  I have found hope and healing in this book.  It has answered questions that have been on my heart and mind.  Each question is answered directly from the one true source...the Bible. 
For those who have been praying for us, I thank you.  We can feel the prayers and we ask that you keep praying whenever we are brought to your mind.  There is no map for this journey and we appreciate the prayers to keep us moving forward.

One Week

It has been a week since that awful appointment.  It feels like a big milestone that we made it one week.  Today was our first time to attend church since losing our baby.  It was so, so hard.  I am thankful that the day is behind us.  I find that when I am home, I feel strong and like I can get through this.  But when I go out in public, it scares me.  I worry that I will break down and cry.  I see pregnant women everywhere.  I see cute newborns.  I see people buying baby gifts.  I see birth announcements in yards.  Before I know it I feel that depression pushing in on me and my emotions creeping closer to the surface and then I just feel so tired.  I am not sure how long this feeling will last.  I know that getting out is good for me.  I refuse to cancel any appointments or events.  The things that get me through....God, my family, our kids, my husband, those that share their stories with me and knowing that one day, in Heaven, we will meet our precious baby.

The Club No One Wants to Join

When you first become parents, you feel like you have joined a club.  At least, my husband and I did.  You know, you see another parent dealing with a fussy child and even though they are strangers, your eyes meet and you silently acknowledge..been there done that. 
In the past few days, my husband and I feel we have been forced out of a group and into a club we want no part of.  In our church we were one of five pregnant couples.  Now they all have their babies and ours is in Heaven.  While I am beyond thankful that their babies are safe, we are now out of that group (so to speak).  We have now become part of a club...parents who have lost a baby.  And it is not fun.  Through this, I have been so blessed by others who have come forward and shared their stories.  No two stories are the same.  Every situation was unique and every single lost baby...so very well loved.  I will say this, until you have lost a baby you cannot imagine what it feels like, and I pray you never do.  It is a different kind of loss.  Our family feels smaller.  It truly does.  Our family is no longer complete and will not be complete until we are reunited in Heaven.

Loss

I really do not want to share this.  Today we went in for our 15 month check up.  Everything was going along nicely, until they went to find the heartbeat.  The doctor tried and tried and eventually took me to the ultrasound machine.  She could not find the heartbeat there and the baby was measuring three weeks small.  I was sent to hospital and had more ultrasounds done and was given the news that our special Blessing #4 is in Heaven.  To say we are heartbroken is an under estimate.  We feel this loss keenly.  In our minds we were a family of 6 and we feel incomplete.  My eyes are swollen and burning and it really feels like I should not be able to keep crying...but I do.  Since my body has not miscarried I have to have a surgery done.  Please keep our family in your prayers.

I love Fall!

I love our kids!

Fall!

I LOVE Fall!  And so do the kids.  We have had gorgeous weather lately and spent lots of time outside soaking up the sun....and leaves.

Do you do the flu?

Well, actually I mean flu shots.  Do you get them?  Why or why not?  I took the Professor in for his 15 month check up.  He is in the 58th % for his weight, the 81st for his height and 87th for his head.  Looks like he will be tall and smart! LOL!  While we were there he got his flu shot and I got mine.  I told my sister-in-law and she went to get hers.  The girls are getting theirs tomorrow.  What about you?

Halloween is Coming!

Are you ready for Halloween at your house?  Do you celebrate Halloween?  We let our kids dress up, but only in happy costumes.  We also live in a town that upholds that "Halloween is about dressing up and getting candy" mentality.  So our trick-or-treating hours are always on the Sunday before Halloween from 2-4 in the afternoon.  No worrying about late nights, cold weather and kids darting across dark streets.  I don't think there is a house in town that does not have someone at the door passing out candy.  Families like us who are out with their kids, just leave a big bowl of candy and let people take it.  And yes, they have been totally honest.  We even had leftovers last year.  So our family IS ready.  The girls will be beautiful princesses and the Professor will be Kermit the Frog!

Waffles

The other night my husband was traveling and I was alone with the kids.  I was tired and I was hungry and we were all ready for dinner.  I had just enough mix to make waffles for myself and the kids.  I did not count on the Professor liking them as much as he did though.  The Hippie ate two waffles, the Genius ate 3, the Professor ate 1 and I ate 1 1/2.  The girls LOVE when I make waffles.  Now, I better remember to add that to my grocery list next week.  Waffles are a tradition in our family.  Any time we are rained or snowed in, I make waffles for everyone.  Do you have any traditions like that?