Pure Joy

Raising the Professor is a pure joy.  He is a bundle of energy.  He loves to entertain us all.  He is witty, bold, loves making messes, is cute and just a fun kid.  Today he traded in the toddler swing for the big boy swing.  I captured this shot as he sailed through the air.  A moment of pure, untainted, unrestrained joy.  I LOVE this boy.

A date no one knows

April 6, 2013.  Just another day.  But not for me.  You see, this was the due date for the baby that we lost.  Which means today we should have been celebrating a little someone's first birthday.  I think it explains why I felt so off yesterday.  The hurt of losing our baby is always near the surface.  Time does heal all wounds but the wounds are still there.  I still think about our baby.  I grieve for the child we will not meet til we get to Heaven.  But in those same moments I thank God for our Linebacker.  Without our loss we would not have him here with us today.  For most people today is just another day.  Another Saturday.  For this mama's heart, today is a day to remember and love the baby we never met and to praise God for the baby we get to hold in our arms today.

Happy Easter 2013!

A few photos of my family.  I love them so much, you just cannot even imagine.  My heart is overflowing with love!  We are truly blessed.  I thank God each day for my amazing husband and our great kids.

RSV. Part 4

After that amazing half-smile, things slowly improved, but not until after a long, hard night.  He still had the feeding tube and cpap machine on.  He had not eaten in 40+ hours though.  A feeding tube bypasses the stomach so even though he was getting the calories he needed, he had no sensation of being full.  Well, I called in a nurse after they removed the Cpap machine and we rearranged all the tubes and cords and made it so I could squash a chair right next to his crib and hold him.  That was an amazing, amazing moment.  He calmed instantly once he was in my arms.  But then, he recognized my smell and feel and started trying to nurse.  He was still unable to and it was making him inconsolable so I had to lay him down.  That actually calmed him but it broke my heart.  Then he realized he was hungry and the crying started.  He cried and cried and cried.  At my wits end, I called a nurse and said there had to be something we could do for him.  As weird as it sounds, they brought my 2 tablespoons of breastmilk and a pacifier.  I could dip the paci in the milk and let him suck on it.  He was in Heaven.  He "drank" about one tablespoon one drop at a time and fell sound asleep.  I had to repeat the process with him numerous times throughout the night.  The next day he was simply ravenous so the doctor said I could bottle feed him.  He started with one ounce.  At the moment that was enough.  By the end of the same day he was up to 6 ounces at a time!  They removed his feeding tube and began to wean him off the high flow oxygen.  Unfortunately we moved a bit too fast and he took a step back.  They increased the flow for about 12 hours and tried it again.  This time, his stats remained steady and he passed his blood gas tests again!  Once he sustained that for 12 hours, they put him on regular oxygen and we moved to regular floor.  Bye PICU!  My husband knew I needed to spend time with the other kids and get some solid sleep so he came to spend a special night with the Linebacker.  They hung out and watched HGTV.  But that night he polished off all the milk I had pumped.  And when my husband tried formula, the Linebacker would have nothing to do with it.  So I had to load up the kids and rush back down after only being gone about 12 hours.  Thankfully, the Linebacker was to be released that day around 4:30.  5 nights and 6 days in the hospital, one ambulance ride, 2 ER rooms, 3 rooms in the hospital, 3 nights in PICU, 5 IV attempts and over 10/heel pricks later our son was HOME! 

RSV. Part 3

Arriving in the PICU was seriously unnerving for me.  I was all alone.  My husband and kids were at church one hour away.  And there I am, all alone.  Our baby boy is hooked up to high flow oxygen, is getting deep suctioned, poked in the heel and hooked up to even more monitors.  What happens next is a bit hazy and jumbled.  I know he was going downhill.  He was no longer even attempting to eat.   It took 5 failed attempts to get his IV placed.  I know his O2 stats were in the uppers 80's, his bpm ratae was about 60+ and his heart rate was over 180.  No one was happy.  His monitors were constantly going off and sounding alarms.  The only bit of good news was the nursing staff informing me I could get his meals since I was breastfeeding.  I had not had anything since Cheetos and Diet Pepsi the night before.  I was shaky from both hunger and fear and worried my milk supply would drop off.  Eventually my husband and kids arrived and the doctors began talked about a Cpap machine because the High Flow oxygen was just not enough.  They told us they would do it soon.  My husband and the kids left again because we did not want them to witness how upset the Linebacker would get.  And oh did he get upset.  But after the Cpap is when it really got scary.  They did another heel prick to check his blood gas.  Normal is about 40 and his was 72 which meant that he was not expelling the carbon dioxide.  They began talking about a ventilator and what would happen with an emergency intubation.  And then...it got scarier.  The Lineback quit fighting.  Nothing scared me or hurt me more than that.  They'd prick him and he would just give a small whimper, whereas before it took 2 to hold him down.  The doctor told me he was giving him one more hour, max, before a ventilator.  Putting him on would require total sedation and no picking him up.  I literally just sat next to his crib hitting "refresh" and watching people pray for him via Facebook.  Then, I firmly believe a miracle happened.  With no real medical reason, ALL his stats started improving. We had been less than 30 minutes away from a ventilator.  Now, the Cpap machine was going to be enough!  They did end up placing a feeding tube.  While I hated that he needed the tube, I was thrilled because my pumped breastmilk was going into him again.  Breastmilk is filled with goodness to make him better and give him the nutrition he needs.  He was on the Cpap for over 24 hours.  During that time I really could not hold him.  There were machines on either side of his crib and the cords are short.  I did lift him a few times just to let him feel me.  I would stroke what skin I could find on his cheek and head.  I held his tiny little hand and felt those fingers curl around mine.  After about 24 hours he seemed to become alert.  He sought me out with his eyes and gave the sweetest, most perfect, most heart wrenching and heart-filling half smile I have ever seen.  At that moment, I knew our Linebacker was back. 

RSV. Part 2

The ambulance took off and my nerves were really kicking in.  It was my first ambulance ride and to be doing it for our 2 month old baby was scary.  During the trip the nurse was constantly monitoring him.  At one point he began to turn a bit blue so they created an oxygen tent for him.  That was not helping a whole lot and his stats were not looking the best so they gave him another breathing treatment (his third for the day and it was only 10 a.m.).  Thankfully we arrived at the Children's Hospital uneventfully.  We had to go in through the ER which meant more waiting.  We settled into a very small room and the flurry of checking in began.  Answering questions, hooking up to monitors, taking vitals etc.  I let my husband and kids know we were at the new hospital and they decided to come down to visit.  At this point, I was not really even sure they were going to admit us.  A clown stopped by to visit and gave the Linebacker and little blankie.  The doctor ordered another breathing treatment and some x-rays.  Then we just sort of..hung out.  My husband and the kids showed up with clothing, my pump and some other items in case we stayed.  The doctor came in and said they were admitting us overnight so that the Linebacker could continue what they call "supportive care".  That included the deep suctioning they were doing, oxygen and breathing treatments.  My husband and kids helped us transfer to the new room.  It was an awful room.  So tiny and it was a shared room.  We had a toilet and a small sink.  There were 2 cribs and 2 chairs.  The other baby was a 5 week old girl with RSV.  At this point I am still thinking I will be home the next day.  My husband and kids left and my dad showed up to visit.  He left and it got pretty quiet.  More deep suctioning (which the Linebacker hater and I could not watch).  When they deep suction you, they take catheters and place them way deep in your nose and use high powered suction to get the gunk out.  Plus every time he was hungry, I was supposed to call them and have them do that before he ate.  Around 9:30 that night I was so thirsty and so hungry.  I ran to a vending machine and bought Cheetos and a Diet Pepsi.  The Linebacker and I settled in for the night.   Around 2 in the morning, I became very concerned about his breathing and lack of nursing.  He was just crying non-stop and that is not like him at all.  I also thought I was seeing some blue around his lips.  I hit the call button and a nurse came in.  She said she would have the RT (Respiratory Therapist) come in and give him oxygen.  About then the Linebacker fell asleep so I laid him back down.  I sat down to wait on the RT and fell asleep.  1 1/2 hours later I woke up.  I immediately checked on him and his breathing seemed worse.  Frustrated, I called down.  The nurse came back and said she had called.  I told her to call again.  The RT came in and said that he needed oxygen.  I was pretty livid at this point.  I called the nurse again and said he really had not nursed since 8 p.m.  And I had tried to give him a bottle and he drank maybe 1/2 an ounce.  She was not overly concerned.  Still feeling frustrated, I tried to close my eyes again.  Around 5 they came in for more vitals and deep suctioning.  Around 6 they did it again.  Each time, I was expressing my concern.  I felt like he was worsening.  When the shift change took place at 7, a new nurse came in.  I told her I was worried and she jumped into action.  She said none of his stats looked good.  The next thing you know our room is a flurry, or tornado, of activity.  I am not even sure who all these people were.  But there was 8 people hovering over him.  I could not even wedge myself in next to him.  They were increasing oxygen, suctioning him and who knows what else.  The doctor comes over and tries to fill me in on everything but all I hear are the words we don't like the way he looks and intensive care.  And so everything was flung onto a cart and we headed up to PICU.

RSV. Part 1.

What began as a normal week went horribly wrong.  At our sons 2 month check up, he had so much green goop the doctor sent us to the ER.  He was diagnosed with a virus and we were sent home with a suction thingy and saline solution.  Fast forward a few weeks.  The drainage was still there and I thought it seemed like it was worsening a bit.  So on a Thursday morning I called the doctor and took our son in.  The doctor checked him out and when he got to his right ear said, "Uh-oh.  We have a bunch of fluid here."  We left and got some medicine for an ear infection and went about our day.  On Friday, I noticed a loose sounding cough but wrote it off due to the ear infection.  Ear Infections are caused by fluid being trapped in the ear.  That fluid typically comes from a common cold or virus like our son had.  It made sense to me that the medicine was doing it's job and loosening the crud...hence the loose cough.  By night time, I felt like his cough was a bit worse and not so loose sounding.  Again, I sort of wrote it off figuring that by the morning it would be better because he would have 48 hours of antibiotics in him at that point.  I was up and down with him through the night.  Around 4 in the morning he was not nursing well and I felt the first niggles of worry and doubt creep in.  But, he fell asleep and I went back to bed.  I heard him up about 5:30.  My husband, knowing we had had a tough night, got up with him to give a bottle (gotta love having a great pump!).  About 6, he shook me awake and said, "Something is wrong with the Linebacker.  I think you need to take him to ER."  And so it began.  I came out and saw him breathing really hard.  Much, much harder than normal.  His head and legs would go up and his belly down and then vise versa.  His entire body looked like a see-saw.  We could hear a definite rattle when he breathed but it did not sound like a wheeze.  But I decided if we were this worried at 6 a.m., we needed to take him in.  I pumped, downed a quick bowl of cereal, packed 2 cloth diapers and took off, not knowing I'd be gone for the next 5 nights.  Upon arrival I checked him at the ER.  No surprisingly we were the only ones in the waiting area.  We were called back within 2 minutes.  The nurse said, 'Oh he is a congested little guy."  Nodding my head, my thought was, "Phew. At least she doesn't think I am a crazy mom."  Since it was slow things happened pretty quickly.  Vitals, questions and a quick visit from the doctor.  The doctor was immediately worried about his breathing and what she heard from the stethoscope.  She ordered a nasal swab and a visit from a Respiratory Therapist.  They tried one breathing treatment on him with zero change.  About that time, they came in and told me he tested positive for RSV.  I was not overly shocked or even incredibly worried...yet.  Then they said, we need to take him to the Children's Hospital via ambulance.  I made the call to my husband and that is when the fear hit.  I was choked up and worried.  He called into work and told the other kids.  He did not know what RSV was and said he was not exactly worried at that moment in time.  The ambulance service came in and observed our son and took his vitals.  I was then informed we would have a bit of a wait.  I had to go get his car seat for the ambulance stretcher and I tried to get him to nurse.  The ambulance staff came in and told me they were switching to a higher caliber vehicle "just in case".  They were also sending a nurse to ride along with us...."just in case".  I was then prepped on treatments that could take place while en route..."just in case".  They said that babies as young as our son do fine right up until they are no longer fine.  Basically, there is not a real transition, they are fine one minute and then it all goes downhill very quickly.  So myself, our 2 month old son, one driver, one nurse and one other person (not sure of their title) loaded up and took off in the ambulance for the Children's Hospital one hour away.

9 Weeks

Our Linebacker is 9 weeks old.   He is sleeping so much better now.  I am functioning mom again.  Most nights he goes to bed between 11-11:30.  Then he gets up at some point during the night for about 1 1/2 hours.  Normally we seem to be up around 3-4:30 or so.  Now that I am a rested mom, I enjoy (most) of these night time moments together.  Many nights we watch the news.  Several times we have heard stories of babies being abused.  Last night I looked down at him in my arms.

He is just beyond precious.  His long eyelashes across his chubby cheeks.  That perfect rest where he is so relaxed, so secure, so loved without even knowing what love is.  It literally breaks my heart to think of a baby being hurt.  I truly don't understand it. 
No real point to this post other than I love this little guy.  He is so sweet, so squishy and so loveable.  And thinking that this is our last makes me very emotional.  I love this innocent baby phase.  I love my baby.  I love my family and work hard to never, ever forget how blessed I am.

When a Great Day Goes Bad

Today started off real nice.  Our Linebacker is 2 months old now!  He went to bed last night and he was a bit...snorty.  During the night he a little trouble nursing.  I actually had a job interview this morning and was gone for his first feeding.  When I got home, my husband left and I went to nurse the baby.  He could not latch on and seemed to be breathing awfully hard.  I was worried but we already had his two month check up scheduled.  I pumped and put it in a bottle to take with us.  I dropped the big kids off with my dad, got some gas and then took the Linebacker in for his appointment.  The doctor came in and heard the Linebacker.  He started listening to his chest and watching his belly.  His next words almost stopped my heart.  He said, "Do you feel safe driving?"  I said, "I think so."  He said, "You need to take him to the ER. Now.  If you cannot go straight there I need to get him an ambulance."  I almost lost it.  I heard the words RSV and pneumonia.  My brain was on overload.  I loaded him up, called my dad, my husband and my mom.  We got the ER and ther were expecting us.  They heard him breathing but were not quite as concerned as our doctor.  My mom was there with us and hearing their lack of concern made me feel a bit better.  They did x-rays, tested for RSV and influenza.  Everything came back clear and normal.  But he still seemed yucky, was spitting up a lot and not eating.  They brought in a thing to suck out his nose and they got yellow gunk out.  Immediately he settled and was ready to eat.  Long story short....he had snot.  They said a virus.  A virus that presents as RSV but without complications.  Now we are home and resting and I am totally drained.  To calm myself down.....chocolate and Downton Abbey.

Brothers

Our Professor was the baby of the family for 2 1/2 years.  He had the bulk of his sisters attention and our attention.  He was played with a lot and yes....spoiled.  I was really worried how he would react to baby 4.  Nothing prepared us for his reaction.   Pure love.

He has not shown even one ounce of jealousy.  He is protective, caring and will ask to have the baby lay on his mat so they can play and talk.  It is the cutest thing.  I know there will be a day when they are old enough to fight and bicker....just like the girls do.  But for now, I am soaking up their brotherly love.

A Beautiful Sight

4th Grade Thoughts

The Genius is in the 4th grade.  She is rapidly entering that in-between time.  Not quite little girl and not yet a ready to leave behind toys and things.  She will be 10 this year and if you want to make my husband and I cry, just remind us that she is over halfway done living at home.  Major sniff, sniff.
Anyways, she still does and says things that are so cute and I wanted to get down a few of them.
She is like her mom (me) in her love for reading.  She rapidly outgrew younger books and was ready to tackle slightly older books.  First she read, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis.  She loved it and is currently reading book 2.  She mentioned to me about Edward eating the Turkish Delight.  I said, "Neat! Maybe we could make some together!".  In total sincerity, she says, "Oh Mommy, we can never make that.  Remember?  The White Witch said it was 'enchanted turkish delight' and we do not know magic Mommy."  LOL!
The other thing is that she has been reading The Red Scarf Girl.  This is a non-fiction book about the Cultural Revolution in China.  Now, we did buy our kids this book, but I did read it before giving it to them.  It just so happened as the Genius was reading this book, in home-school we began studying Karl Marx and capitalism vs communism.  Every day I ask about what she read in the book and if she is scared or has any questions.  The other day she said, "No.  It does not scare me.  But I really understand why communism is so wrong.  I mean, basically, you are in charge of nothing and you get no choices in anything.  And then, if someone decides you are wrong they send you to jail.  And the only way to get out is to say how bad you are...even though you don't even believe it.  Then you get out of jail and go back to find out your life is even worse.  I really like capitalism and am glad to live in America."  I LOVED this!  First off, I am just so proud of her for reading this and grasping these concepts.  Secondly, what a great definition!!! Adults try to fancify definitions and give long explanations but I think she pretty well hit it on the head.
So proud of our girl!

Our Baby is Here!

This pregnancy started off rocky and ended with a bang!  This was the roughest labor but easiest delivery of our 4 kids.  My husband and I had waffled back and forth on our decision to induce 2 days prior to our due date.  We were not inducing for medical reasons so much as to ensure the doctor we trusted would be the one to deliver our son.  After how this delivery went though, we are beyond thankful that we listened to our doctor and allowed the early induction. 
Delivery day:
We arrived at the hospital a few minutes late.  We had taken our time and just enjoyed the drive.  We laughed, talked, worried and tried to envision how the day would unfold.  After check in it felt so chaotic and nothing like the calm feeling we had during the Professor's labor.  They were sort of rushing to get us checked in and settled before the shift change.  There were 2-4 nurses bustling around, attaching monitors and doing the iv and asking all those questions.  Eventually we were settled and they came in around 7:45 to start the Pitocin.  Almost immediately I began feeling small contractions.  They were quite regular too.  However, due to my anterior placenta they could not keep the baby on the monitor.  Literally every 15 minutes or so the alarms would start going off and they'd spend another 5 minutes trying to get him on the monitor.  At one point I had to shimmy myself into this very tight, very uncomfy band to try and keep the monitors extra tight.  It worked.....a little.  The alarms were going off only once every 30 minutes or so now. 
The contractions continued and were getting more noticeable but when they checked me around 11:30 I was still only at a 3 and about 70% effaced.  My husband and I started fretting and worrying that this little man just was not ready to arrive.  Around 12:30 my doctor came in and broke my water.  At that point she said "We have merconium."  My heart sunk.  I had never envisioned hearing that.  Then she went on to say there was a lot of it.  They were worried about what he may have been exposed to.  They placed the internal monitor and my contractions picked up at a rapid pace.  By 1 I was having trouble talking, or even thinking, through them.  But I was hesitant to get the epidural since my progress had been so slow.  However, I decided to go for it since typically my labors have gone quickly after my water has been broken.  I got the epidural and it was a very easy one.  Right afterwards a nurse comes rushing in and tells us that the doctor called and was not happy with the baby's heartrate on the monitor.  I was put on oxygen and flipped to my left side.  By this point I was in tears.  I was scared and really worried about what would happen.  Things seemed to settle down and we sent my sister-in-law after some lunch for my husband.  We figured the baby would arrive by 4:30 or so and I wanted to make sure he did not pass out from lack of food.  A few minutes til 3 the nurse came in and noticed I had the shakes.  She cleared the room and did a cervical check  Immediately she called the doctor.  The nurse then calls in the teams and everything was moving so quickly.  We were complete and ready to meet our little guy.  At 3 the doctor zoomed in.  We were introduced to the respiratory specialist and pediatrician who were standing by in case he had trouble breathing and we were briefed on the fact that he would be whisked away as soon as he was out.  Around 3:05 I was told to push.  At 3:07 he flew out!  It was so fast we could barely process it.  He was whisked away and they pumped 8 cc's of merconium from his belly.  Thankfully he did not have any in his lungs.  After he was pumped and breathing good (about 10 minutes) he was weighed and measured.  He was exactly 9 pounds and exactly 21 inches.   Then we finally got to hold him.  He was so calm and sweet and we just fell in love with him.  My husband and I enjoyed our skin to skin time and relished the calm after what had felt like a rocky labor.  We brought in the siblings and introduced them.  They all loved him but the Hippie was completely smitten by him.  She seems to think he is her baby.  The rest of the family got to meet him and hold him and love on him too. 
Shortly after we thought we were calming down the pediatrician came in and informed us that in addition to the hole in his heart they were hearing a loud murmur and that we might have to get a transfer to the Children's Hospital.  That was so terrifying.  To make a long story short, there was no problem with his heart and we just follow up with his cardiologist in January.  We did have to stay two nights due to his heart, merconium and having a higher birth weight.  On Friday at lunch time my husband and the kids came and picked us up....in the middle of a huge snow storm. 
Our little man certainly came into our lives with a bang!  We are thrilled to have him here and are all falling in love with him more each day.

21

Wow.  It seems like just yesterday that we posted this blog post announcing that baby #4 was on their way.  We did not know boy or girl and we were filled with equal parts excitement and fear.  The journey of losing one baby and then getting blessed with another baby led us to choose this baby's name.  We cannot wait to share it with our family on the day he is born.  My husband and I sit up at night relishing these quiet times after the kids are in bed and we talk about this new baby.  How happy we are with the name, wondering how big he will be, who will he look like, will he sleep?  It is amazing to look back and see all we have come through with this pregnancy and this sweet boy and to know that in about 21 days we will be holding him. 
We are blessed.

When Mommy Gets Sick

Moms don't usually get sick.  Well, at least most moms are given the luxury of being able to be sick.  If you are a mom, you get what I am saying.  But when you are a mom and do get truly sick it takes its toll on everyone!  I had a scratchy throat last week and a few sniffles.  Thursday I started to not feel the best but was still active.  Friday I did not feel real great and was really coughing a lot but again, was super active.  Friday night I started feeling rough.  I had made a turkey and mashed potatoes for a family event.  As I was carrying them to the van I felt like I could not breathe.  We were a good ten minutes down the road before I could get through a sentence without gasping.  I thought, "my word.  This baby must be on my lungs!"  Saturday came around I woke up feeling awful.  All night long I had coughed and coughed.  Finally I got up at 445 and just came out to the living room so my husband could rest.  While he worked all day Saturday I did less than nothing.  I let the girls make whatever they wanted for lunch.  They watched movies and played computer games.  They took their brother upstairs and played with him for hours.  I literally did nothing.  I would get up and use the bathroom and then cough for 15 minutes.  Saturday night was worse than Friday night.  I got up about 4 a.m. just to let my husband sleep.  He was scared and told me I needed to be seen.  My mom took me to the ER.  I guess I basically have a cold but it turned into bronchial spasms?  Not sure what that means but he said it was like getting asthma.  I was given a high does of steroids, an inhaler and mega strong cough medicine.  The cough meds make me sleepy so I cannot use it during the day.  But it helped last night.  The whole point of this post though is that I thought the kids enjoyed me being sick.  They got to do a lot of their favorite things and I did not set time limits.  But I was surprised and touched when I learned that was not the case at all.  They took their brother upstairs and came down later.  They presented me with a bound "book" (paper hole punched and tied with yellow yarn).  Inside they had all made pages for me.  They said how they were scared.  How they knew how hard it was for me to try and take care of them while being sick.  They were worried and did not like me taking me so much medicine.  They were worried for their baby brother.  They talked about how much they love me and appreciate me.  Talk about emotional.  What an absolute treasure that is to me.  I will keep it forever.
I am so blessed!